As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.