What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.