I love you from my head tomato
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Everybody romaine calm.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
I think therefore I yam.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What a spud muffin.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Keep calm and carrot on.
This foundation is rock salad.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
I yam what I yam.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!