Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What a spud muffin.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
I hope for world peas.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
I love you from my head tomato
I think therefore I yam.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
I yam what I yam.
This foundation is rock salad.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Everybody romaine calm.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.