What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.