Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.