How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!