This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."