I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.