What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.