“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
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