“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
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