“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown