“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
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