“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
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