“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
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