“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Marathoners: Life is too easy. I must find a way to make it much much harder.”
-Glennon Doyle, best-selling author
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
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