“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
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