“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
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