"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
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