“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
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