Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
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