“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
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