“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
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