"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
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