“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
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