“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
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