“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"Time wounds all heels."
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
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