"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
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