"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
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