“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
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