“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
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