I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
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