"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
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