"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
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