“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"I don't tan. I burn"
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
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