"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
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