“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
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