“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
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