“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
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