“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
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