“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
The temperature can only go up from here.
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
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