“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
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