"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
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