“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
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