“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
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