“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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