“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
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