“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Go to BabaMail
