"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
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