“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
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