“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
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