"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
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