“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
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