“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
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