“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
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