I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
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