“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
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