“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
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