“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
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