“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
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