"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
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