"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
"Time wounds all heels."
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
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