“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
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