"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
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