"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.”
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Monday should be optional.”
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
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