"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
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