“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
Go to BabaMail
