“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
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