“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
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