“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
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