“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
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