“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
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