“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
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