“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"Humor is reason gone mad."
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
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