"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
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