"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
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