“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
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