“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
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