“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
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