"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
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