"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Monday should be optional.”
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
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