“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
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