“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
Summer should get a speeding ticket
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
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