“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
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