“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
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