A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
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