"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
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