"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
"Bury me next to a straight man."
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
Go to BabaMail
