"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
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