“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
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