“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
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