"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
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